Flow

This is supposed to my thoughts at the end of the day and hence, an open blog which will be updated regularly. - (Inspired by Anupreet)

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Bullet number indicates the day number.

1. What is non-violence? Is using a vehicle also violence because what is the process of its manufacture and running? I clearly remember Goenkaji sharing that your source of income might not directly be violence but if it indirectly leads to it, still it is being a part of it. If yes so can we just walk till our destination? Ok in the same city a distance of half an hour will be covered in 2 hours, but that 2 hours can be meditation, those 2 hours can be prayer time. But what about other cities? Hm. A distance coverable overnight will take at least 2 weeks, and we will have to stay at people who offer their homes. A huge experiment. I have started skipping one way of my 15 minutes bus journey and  walk(fast) with some attentive breathing and some time for prayers takes around 45 minutes. 

2. An idea creates a revolution, not by an organization. All the revolutions in world history are created always by an idea, never an organization. By restricting an idea to an organization, we take out its revolutionary potential.

3. Letting universe flow through you, and not being able to clear your doubts, but still feeling bliss?
4.  Some noble people I met, they praise you when they see potential of growth, they criticize(in a very subtle and loving manner) when they see an even higher potential in you. And when they see perfection, they just share their love through their metta, no words. 
5. What is correct and wrong(judging) and is there anything like it. Somebody shared banging the head in wall is wrong and not doing is correct. Although the answer sounded good but my heart didn't accept it that time too and today the same answer returned. I thought that actually even the banging of head is also not wrong, it is harmful to us, yes but not wrong. Then I thought banging of head is not harmful to us, but only our body. Then the thought went that it is not harmful to our body also, but only a part of body- head, then realized not also head, but only a few bones, tissues and cells. So is breaking of bones/tissues/cells wrong? No. Every second, our body degenerates and many cells and tissues break down anyways. So 2 points, first it is not wrong, but only harmful and second, it is not even harmful, but an artificial increase in a natural process and harm depends on how well the body reacts.
   Then I had the feeling that all this sounds a bit like Vipassana. Breaking every process to smaller and smaller level and observing. Although this mental process doesn't create any great difference in life but just like Goenkaji says, experience is at 3 levels- 1.Audio, 2. Mental jugglery 3. Really experiencing. And none of the 3 are wrong, a person needs to first hear, it takes him one step closer to truth, but shouldn't stop there and move at 2nd level and think about it, and again not stop at that and move to the 3rd level. Today I felt I moved from 1st level to the 2nd level. Although not the best stage but definitely a growth. Hopefully, I would be able to use this to reduce my judging. I realized everything is what it is. It is neither correct nor wrong but simply what it is. There is no good, no bad, just a state of existence, and a milestone in the journey. 
6. Why are you doing/talking what you are doing/talking? Only for other person's/ society's benefit or you too have some benefit. If you feel it is only for others and nothing for you (no learnings), then you are definitely doing something wrong. Stop doing it now.
7. I am immortal and no one can kill me.  A bold statement indeed. "I" the ego will die, "I" the body and mind will die but the "I" the spirit, "I" part of the divine energy, "I" the idea cannot die. A person can kill my physical presence, but the idea, the intention and the love I let out just cannot be contained, forget destroying it. It will keep rippling up, becoming bigger and bigger. Infact, "I" am just a part of someone who lived before me, not only in terms of DNA, but also as a part of thoughts. Someone thought something, did some acts, those kept rippling through various platforms and I am just an image of millions before me, and I will be reflected in millions ahead of me, and there cannot be any distinction made as to who is who and what part of whose is in whom. And after some mental jugglery you will realize that eventually we will cross the  constraints of time and space and you were there since beginning of time, are here now and will be here since the end of time. You were here every moment and at the same moment, you yourself are at each and every place of the universe. Wow!!! A Jonathan Livingston Seagull moment. Wow. :)
8. Why do we talk? What's the purpose of talking? And do we talk on for that purpose? Because presently most of the ill will is spread because we talk something which others don't find pleasant. 
9. The very purpose of having to listen someone's advice, witnessing someone perform some act in some  circumstances is so that you when faced with such a situation later in your life can act on the basis of additional information available due to your presence in past and a chance to do a better act now with more love. It doesn't matter what you did in past or felt in past with someone, what matters is what you do now, when you are in the situation. Just learn and keep learning.

Writing this after around 7 months:

1. What is wealth? I feel anything which I have is wealth. But then that brings me to the question of Who am I? Am I the body? If no, then I have a body, then my 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 heart and 1 brain and all parts of body are wealth and that way, all of us humans have equal wealth. Next then Am I mind? If no, then I have a mind, then the mind is my wealth. Having the ability to give, having the ability of receive gracefully is wealth. Ability to love people is wealth. Infact, even the ability of Smile is wealth? And if ability to Smile, ability to love is wealth, then we only know how wealthy we are. :)

A pilgrimage

I am sharing with the sole intention of being able to support some one's journey and in the process hope to reflect and learn from my inner higher being. Any stress on "I" should be taken as my present inability to articulate the sentence properly and not ego.

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I had the privilege to attend Jagriti Yatra 2013 which is a 15 day trip around India. The trip more than external was an internal journey for me. I have written everything as it came from my heart and you may not find any chronological continuity.

Even before the yatra started I got loads of blessings and wishes from Pune and Mumbai's noble friends.

With the start of Yatra I was able to serve the yatris as well as interact with them while serving snacks and dinner. The role models shared their journeys and inspired us all to keep working on our paths with perseverance. The story shared by Devdutt Pattnaik about we just giving our "Swaha"(our actions) and the "Tathastu"(fruits of the yagya) being just the result of how our "Swaha" and the deity to which we offered was, will be a learning which will remain with me for a long time.

The yatra itself for me was a result of invitation by Anupreet and suggestion by Sheetal and Goli inviting me by saying that a kindness spirit is needed in Yatra. And having met so many people in my 2 years at Pune who had transformed post Yatra, going for yatra was not something I had to think twice about. 2 days before yatra started, Rajshree shared that how Madhu bhai told her that we are human BEings and not human DOings, so that just kept me in hold that I had to be BE myself at yatra and not do something.

The yatra was my first experience at trying kindness on my own, but realised in just few days that I was able to BE myself and do the small acts only because of the STRONG support I had of Anupreet and Goli, who held me when I was weak, who supported me in whatever I tried, the unconditional LADDER they were for me. I remember telling the new yatri group we formed by end of yatra, that whatever we plan to do, we can be assured that Anupreet and Heidi will be in(Goli had left yatra by the time of this conversation). That also reminds me what an inspiration Heidi was for me throughout the yatra. She would just go around spreading so many and I mean it, so many gifts around the train, so many anonymous kindness letters all around. She literally was a validation machine on the train, she would just keep encouraging each and everyone she met on the train about his/her qualities and sharing the idea of MBL and spreading love and kindness. She was a rockstar working with magical energy and teaching me by action. Another energy source on the train was Parth. He would come up with all sort of kindness ideas, get people excited about what he was doing, get more people in joining us. He was friendship machine and would just find good people all around the train, make them friends and share about kindness and generosity. Had he not been there I doubt I would have been able to be myself and do even 5% of what I was able to with his support. He had got a strong group of Vivek, Arti and Aakanksha as a core group who would just do anything what we discussed and were open for literally anything.

All this just kept me questioning myself, just pushing myself and introspecting. Can I do this as they are doing, the questions they asked me pushed me for the first time into a spot where I was sharing about kindness and generosity and I was able to give answers which I never knew myself I had thought of. And were they my answers? No. They were just a summary and my interpretation of what I understood from the MBL gang I had lived with and learnt from. There were several occassions when I didn't know the answers. For example 2nd day itself a girl asked me, "How do you explain these small acts of kindness changing the world to a left brained person like me?" Having been and lived with the MBL gang, it shouldn't have been difficult but answering for 2-3 minutes made me realise that I was simply beating around the bush and wasn't able to explain her. That really made me think. I SMSed the question to Sheetal and he replied,"Walk and the path will appear" and that's what I did for the remaining 13 days-Just kept on being myself, being in the moment, trying to be mindful and acting where needed. The whole yatra people asked me different questions and I gave them answers from my heart, which I seriously I never knew myself. Somebody asked me,"Why anonymous gifting?" and my answer was,"If I gift you something, your gratitude will only be for me, but if anonymous person gifts you your gratitude will be for whole universe and that gratitude will be of a higher magnitude and level and this gratitude you CANNOT contain within yourself and will come out." One day Parth itself asked me,"Gifting makes a heart to heart connection, but anonymous gifting doesn't they why anonymous gifting?" and I replied,"There are 2 aspects of what we are trying. 1. Making the heart to heart connection for which his point was valid. 2. Making the world a better place and anonymous gifting was done with a hope for it. Both are essential." I don't know whether what I spoke was correct or not, I had never even thought of the question, but some divine within me brought out the answer instantaneously and with confidence. Once I remember giving Anupreet only a lecture of 1 hour. Ha ha ha. What? But ya and she listened, that too with attention, I realize that was too audacious of me, but she seemed happy and did try many of the things I told her to. I started asking myself, " Who am I to give so many lectures? I haven't even been able to control my anger, tension and confusion and I am telling others about being kind?" But anyways it was an experiment in being in the present and I did and spoke what I felt like at that moment. I can't express my gratitude in words to the question people asked me and the questions I asked myself. One of the questions which had started emerging slowly since November, but was able to articulate only by 3rd last day was, "What am I doing?" I am serving agreed, I am serving with all my heart, agreed, but still what am I doing? I could see people with going around in their groups, groups ranging from size of 2 to 10, their own core group with whom they would always be, some really good friends they had made in their 12 days and there I was, serving but no one I could say, who had become a new close friend. What am I doing with my life? I am preparing for UPSC, yes theoretically but am not able to give my heart into studying the amount I need to. I derive my energy more from service than food, but back at home, I just feel weird, struggling with my own personal practices, maintaining the peaceful energy at home, not even being able to study. What am I doing? I put this question to Anupreet and she really opened her heart. She shared how important it is to maintain the relationship with parents, how necessary it is to go down at the other person's level to make a heart to heart connection and not just expect the other person to come to yours. I realized I was being in the moment only in the sense of finding where I could serve, but not where I could make a heart to heart communication. I never even tried for it. I don't even know how to initiate one. Anupreet shared stories of how Nipun bhai, Raghu and Anant put themselves at other person's level and then magic starts flowing, how they really make heart to heart connection. Anupreet(and Goli for the number of days he was with us) was a really really strong support for me all throughout the yatra. She was my shoulder for the number of times I felt really weak and felt vulnerable and wanted to cry. The yatra also made me face my own weaknesses, the times when I got irritated, angry, were opportunities for me to humble myself down, I don't know how many times I really did, but at least realized sometimes that I was having those emotions. I tried using the points Anupreet suggested for the last 2 days and found that yes they were all true. By last day I also realized that the fact that I am not making any special few friends was also because of my own attempt to maintain my version of equanimity and finding god in each and everyone, so how could I have a different relationship with the same god I am trying to observe in them.  And when I met people on the last day and on final interaction, I realized that whoever I had met or interacted in the last 15 days had the same level of respect for me. And that reminded me that I was able to maintain the same level of relationship with them. I too had found so many virtues with them that it was a blessing for me to be able to spend some time with them. I realized friendship is not about being able to spend enormous time with each other, but the ability to understand each other and still accept and respect them as they are.Well writing this, definitely sounds very egoistic and self boasting types, but ya it shows that I am not able to express in the best way, or maybe I am really making an attempt to cover up my weaknesses. Maybe.

And just to note down the various small acts I was able to do in the yatra:

• Wrote anonymous notes to people I was inspired by and learnt from. It was my way to honour them and express my gratitude.
• A guy shared in a large group that he didn't receive a gift in many years and I just took out a gift I had received from Urban Ashram and left it in his seat with a note. I later found out that he had told about it to many people and was amazed. 
• Paid forward many blessings and gifts I had received from Urban Ashram.
• Parth shared the idea of eating what people were wasting, Heidi supported it, and I just helped them execute. In the process Anupreet, Goli, Aakanksha, Arti, Vivek organically joined. Many others like Sneha and others whose name I don't remember also started telling people who were eating only, that what might happen when they go towards dustbin and I think that would have made a lot of difference too and I don't even know who all were there.
• Anupreet had the idea of putting a smile deck on all bogies on 1st January and asking people to do an act of kindness this year. I shared it with Parth and he brought together his team and implemented it by waking up early at 5 AM.
• Parth again wanted to do something for last day and we came up with the idea of hugging people, organically with a validation. I don't know how it went as it was supposed to be organic but must have gone well.
• Talking to the mess staff, people whoever we met, asking their name and interacting.

Truly speaking these are just the tip of iceberg, and visible things which should and would amount to Shunya(zero), the real actions, happen at intention level, the well-wishing level, spreading positive energy level which anyways at visible level is shunya.

I also came up with the question of should I and if yes then how much should I share about the acts I did, and felt that sometimes to explain what you are saying, to explain that walking the talk is not hard, it became necessary to share in groups that I did the action and the result was this. eg. I shared it in the group of 20 people made for the yatra for discussions, about the gift I left behind for the guy who said he hadn't received any gift. I was sharing about anonymous gifts and one person said that this guy received one and I had to tell that it was me only who left that and that person only shared how happy and moved he was. So yes, maybe sharing a few acts you have done might help you explain your points. I remember sharing plenty of what I did with Anupreet in the 1 hour lecture, well mainly to boost her energy up as I felt she was a bit low. Anupreet used to say in the last 2 days whenever I thanked her that she didn't do anything and that just reminded me of Khush saying on the last day of my stay at ashram that she didn't do anything, and we(me and Divya) just got what we had to. Seriously, what is counted, doesn't matter and what matters doesn't get counted.

So this is what I remember of the yatra, the feelings I had, the learnings I had. People thanked me for what I did, but everytime I could just think of the shift I have had due to living and learning with the MBL gang and just thanked them. It just made my faith in micro-shifts more stronger, made me understand how many to many connections actually work, how the process of kindness is slow, needs to cross an activation barrier but once done the impact is long-lasting. The technical side of me says its like a nuclear reaction, you need the minimum energy and ingredients to start the reaction, but once it starts, the many to many neutron reactions can produce enormous energy.

I can't end this writing without a round of gratitude. Gratitude to Anupreet, Goli, Parth, Heidi and Sandeep for being the first level energy source for me all throughout the yatra and then their parents, teachers, friends,environment etc. who made them the way they are and the loop will keep going on. Maybe it will encompass the whole universe. Thank you.